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April 1, 2005

Full funding for IDEA on the way?

In an unprecedented joint statement, the entire U.S. Senate announced late last night that it will fully fund the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA) this year. House leadership followed suit this morning with a similar statement of its own. "We have systematically shortchanged children with special needs for long enough," the Senate statement explains. "It has become too difficult to look ourselves in the mirror any longer and declare that every child in America will be learning at grade level by 2014 when it's taken us three decades to reach just half the amount of IDEA funding we promised. During that time, we have forced local taxpayers around the country to pick up the tab for our shortcomings. For years now, we've made a habit—and gotten away with it—of trying to fool the American people into thinking that we truly supported full funding of IDEA by casting votes to 'authorize' higher amounts, but inevitably slashing those funds when it actually came time to 'appropriate' the money. The legislative tricks stop today. We will appropriate, this year, the billions of dollars required to fulfill our pledge. Better a few decades late than never."

One thing hasn't changed, however: In separate interviews, Democrats blamed Republicans for the 30 years of ignominy, and Republicans blamed Democrats.

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Voucher battles nationwide called off

Frustrated at their 50-year inability to convince a skeptical public that vouchers somehow are compatible with leaving no child behind, a group of well-heeled organizations promoting vouchers has held an extraordinary press conference to concede that a nation as great as the United States should concentrate its efforts on improving education for all students by improving its public schools. "We have heard the undeniable message repeatedly sent by voters of all races, political parties, and income levels: They do not support diverting public dollars from our public schools to unaccountable private schools," says the statement from the Alliance Formerly for School Vouchers. "Our donors have told us it's time to stop throwing good money after bad." (The Alliance also noted on its website how liberating it felt finally to allow the "v" word to roll off their tongues, rather than twisting themselves into euphemistic knots with their "academic-opportunity-freedom passport-scholarships-for-choice-we really, really love children, why don't you?-grants.")

The organizations acknowledged that the millions of dollars they have poured into attacking public schools, running TV commercials, lobbying politicians, and paying advocates to masquerade as academic researchers instead actually could have gone a long way toward helping to educate real children. So, dedicated as they are to private enterprise, the groups announced that, hereafter, their many millions will be invested in helping public schools pay for private supplemental services. (Editor: Hey, give them a break, okay? Baby steps.)

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School board member receives ovation at local grocery

Mary Jenkins still has a hard time believing it. She had just placed her carton of eggs on the conveyor belt at the Wichita Piggly Wiggly, when the elderly gentleman in front of her asked if she were Mary Jenkins from the local school board. "Well, yes ... I am," she said with hesitation, fearing what was coming next. "It's truly an honor to meet you," the man said, reaching over to shake her hand. "I see you all the time at those long board meetings, on the local cable channel. You all do such important, selfless work. To volunteer hours and hours of your time to help our kids and community like that... it really is remarkable."

Overhearing the conversation, the checkout cashier, a mother of two school-aged children, couldn't help herself. She took to the store's P.A. system and said "Attention shoppers: Sorry for the interruption, but I just wanted you to know that one of our local school board members is here right now. I think we should give her a round of...." The cashier's words were drowned out by the ensuing applause. Jenkins chokes up relating the account. "I never knew how much the community appreciated our service," she says.

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Talk radio show to highlight public schools' successes

The hottest nationally syndicated talk radio program in America announced today that it will now feature an occasional segment entitled 'great moments in public education.' The show will include routine visits by the show's host to actual public schools, where he will talk with actual teachers and students. "We know how many wonderful stories of success there are in public schools across our great nation, and we just think it's time that patriotic Americans hear them more often," the show's producer said.

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Leave no lawmaker behind

Taking up a dare from high school seniors, 94 percent of lawmakers who took a state's high school exit exam flunked it. "Never again will I utter the words 'Our schools just aren't what they used to be,'" said Education Committee Chairman Bill Brainiac, the sponsor of the 2002 law requiring the exit exam. "Thank God, I'm not in school anymore. These questions are impossible," he was overheard muttering to an aide. "What in the world is an algorithm anyway? They should get partial credit just for spelling the damn word correctly."

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FLASH: Teachers' union calling for end to tenure

This story is still developing, but in a hastily called news conference, the nation's two largest teachers' unions announced they will support a new initiative to end teacher tenure in dozens of states, saying school boards should have the flexibility to remove poorly performing teachers without facing protracted and costly legal disputes every time. Stay tuned for details.

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Culture warriors to move on

Stung by public criticism over the enormous legal costs and divisive public distractions their battles have inflicted on school systems, several major advocacy and litigation groups have decided to declare America's schools a demilitarized zone. "There's no shortage of other issues and other places where we can wage the good fight without draining money and attention away from children's educations," said one prominent religious values litigator. A civil liberties spokesperson agreed: "We started hearing from our members that they thought there might be higher priorities for our efforts in 2005 than defending the constitutional right to red, white, and blue hair."

The groups, frequently on opposite sides of contentious issues, emphasized that they will not be shy about continuing to voice their sincere concerns to school boards. But they have signed on to a Consensus Statement of Principles of Civil Behavior. Gone will be the approach of having their lawyers issue arrogant, short-fuse demand letters, spewing out blaring press releases and fund-raising appeals, appearing on cable TV shout-fests, and filing costly lawsuits. Instead, they are working on developing advocacy tools that emphasize community consensus building, compromise, and actively listening to and considering the other side's—and school leaders'—views.

Happy April Fool's Day

P.S. As it happens we've discovered we'd be remiss if we didn't doff a tip 'o the hat to what turns out to be the original April Fool's Day education blog... the Gladfly. We may not be big fans on most days, but there are several good chuckles to be had from this one.

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